No analysis, no reasons given, but I’ve decided to put down my predictions for the group stage of the World Cup. If I’m pretty much spot on I’ll look like a genius and so will be linking to this for a while; if I’m wrong then this post can be filed carefully away to be forgotten about.
My hastily assembled fantasy team
Anyway:
Group A
Winners: Brazil (losing finalists)
Runners up: Mexico
- A David Luiz free kick to kill a pigeon outside the stadium
- To take less than 20 minutes of their opening game for me to regret drawing Mexico out of the sweepstake pot
Group B
Winners: Spain (losing semi-finalists)
Runners up: Netherlands
- A bit of me to die inside every time I hear Netherlands being referred to as “Holland”
- Chile to miss out on the round of 16 on goal difference
- Many people to berate, erroneously, the Spanish players on Twitter for not singing their country’s anthem (it has no words)
Group C
Winners: Colombia
Runners up: Cote d’Ivoire
- Yaya Toure to celebrate his 33rd-minute goal against Japan by blowing out an imaginary set of candles on top of an imaginary birthday cake
Group D
Winners: England
Runners up: Italy
- England to beat Italy and Costa Rica and draw with Uruguay
- Roy Hodgson, on the touchline in a questionable polo shirt, to emulate Jack Charlton’s 1994 discomfort in the heat
- At least one commentator – probably Jonathan Pearce, if applicable – to try to crowbar some sort of “purring Pirlo” reference
Group E
Winners: France (losing semi-finalists)
Runners up: Switzerland
- The French squad to demonstrate a stereotype-busting sense of unity
- Highlights of Honduras v Ecuador to be introduced by a stern-faced Adrian Chiles deploring what will go on to be remembered as the Battle of Curitiba
Group F
Winners: Argentina (winners)
Runners up: Bosnia
- An Iranian player – anyone – to score the goal of the tournament, a van Basten-esque volley in the first half against Nigeria
Group G
Winners: Germany
Runners up: Portugal
- The camera to cut to German chancellor Angela Merkel looking positively regal at least four times a game
Group H
Winners: Belgium
Runners up: Russia
- Belgium to have the best goal difference of any team after the group stage
- Belgium to be given the “dark horses” tag by so many pundits that they can’t continued to be called dark horses
My other, equally hastily assembled fantasy team
An Early Bath 